Blog #39
Setting Boundaries as a Filipino-Canadian Without Losing Your Heart
I’ve had to learn, and keep relearning, that setting boundaries doesn’t make me masama ang ugali. It doesn’t mean I love less. It doesn’t mean I’ve become too “Western” or forgotten where I come from. It means I’m learning to care for myself in a way that still honors my roots, but no longer leaves me running on empty.
As a Filipino-Canadian and a therapist seeing individuals and couples in Ontario, this lesson isn’t just something I teach, but it’s something I’ve had to live. And to be honest, it’s not easy.
The Struggle Beneath “Okay Lang Ako”
If you grew up in a Filipino household, you probably know how to smile when you’re tired. Say yes when you mean no. Show up, even when you’re stretched thin. It’s in our bones: pakikisama, utang na loob, paggalang sa nakatatanda. These are beautiful values rooted in connection, respect, and deep loyalty.
But these same values, when left unexamined, can make it incredibly hard to set healthy boundaries.
We carry the quiet weight of expectation:
To always be available for family.
To never say no to elders.
To prioritize others, even at the cost of our own wellbeing.
When we try to say “hindi muna, I need time for myself”, there’s that familiar knot in the chest—guilt. Shame. Fear of disappointing. That inner whisper: “Masama ba akong anak?”
The In-Between Space: Being Filipino-Canadian
Being Filipino in Canada adds another layer to all this. We grow up straddling two worlds.
One tells us:
“Speak up. Take care of yourself. Boundaries are healthy.”
The other says:
“Don't talk back. Sacrifice is love. Family comes first, always.”
And so we internalize this tug-of-war. When we try to rest, we feel lazy. When we set a boundary, we feel selfish. When we ask for space, we wonder if we’re abandoning our pamilya, or our identity.
Sometimes I’ve felt like I’m betraying my culture just by needing space to breathe.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
We don’t have to choose between our sarili and our pamilya. We just have to find a way to hold both with care.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Bridges
In therapy, I often describe boundaries not as walls that shut people out, but as bridges that let us stay connected, without losing ourselves.
A compassionate boundary might sound like:
“I really want to be there, and I’m also not able to today. I hope you understand.”
“I love you, and I need time to rest.”
“Can we talk about this later when I can really listen with a clear head?”
Notice the “and,” not “but.” We can be kind and clear. We can be loving and limited. Setting boundaries isn’t an act of rejection, but it’s a way to stay honest and sustainable in how we love.
In Therapy, This Comes Up A Lot
Whether I’m working with fellow Filipino-Canadians or first-generation clients trying to untangle their relationship with guilt, I hear it all the time:
“What if they think I’m ungrateful?”
“What if they stop talking to me?”
“I feel so bad, but I’m exhausted.”
We unpack it together. Sometimes we grieve the fantasy that love should always be easy. Sometimes we mourn the version of us who thought we had to overextend to be enough.
And in that space, a new version of love begins to take root: one that includes you, too.
What Has Helped Me (And What I Offer to You)
Reframing obligation as choice. I can still choose to give, but not from fear or guilt. From love, when I have the capacity.
Allowing grief. It’s okay to feel sad that not everyone will understand. That relationships might shift. Grief is part of growth.
Rooting in self-compassion. When guilt shows up, I remind myself: “This is hard because I care deeply, not because I’m doing something wrong.”
Practicing ‘compassionate no’s.’ Not harsh, not cold, just clear and kind. “Mabait ka pa rin,” I whisper to myself. You’re still good. Still worthy. Still Filipino.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries as a Filipino-Canadian can feel like learning a new language while translating your heart. It takes time. It takes courage. And it’s okay if it feels messy.
But I want you to know this:
You’re not betraying your family by protecting your peace.
You’re not less Filipino for choosing yourself sometimes.
You can still be loving, loyal, and generous—and say no.
Hindi ka nag-iisa.
You are not alone.
Offering Therapy for Filipino-Canadians in Ontario
If you're a Filipino or Filipino-Canadian individual or couple struggling with boundaries, identity, or emotional overwhelm, you’re not alone. I offer online individual and couples therapy across Ontario, creating space where your story, your culture, and your healing can all exist together.
You don’t have to keep pushing through. You deserve support that understands where you come from.
Let’s work together to create new ways of relating—where your boundaries can coexist with your heart.
