Blog #41

Ate or Kuya: The Weight of Being the Eldest Child in Filipino and Filipino-Canadian Families

If you’re the panganay (eldest child) in a Filipino family, you know it’s not just about being born first. It’s a role, a responsibility, and—if we’re being real—sometimes a heavy crown you didn’t ask for.

As a Filipino-Canadian and a therapist here in Ontario, I see the panganay experience show up in my clients’ stories again and again. It’s deeply shaped by Filipino values like utang na loob (debt of gratitude), pakikisama (harmony), and paggalang (respect), and then further complicated by growing up in Canada—where the cultural rules are often the opposite.

I’ve seen it, and I’ve walked alongside others living it, too.

Growing Up Panganay: More Than Birth Order

In many Filipino families, the panganay is expected to be:

• The role model for younger siblings (Magpakabait ka, ikaw ang tinitingnan ng mga kapatid mo.)

• A second parent when Nanay and Tatay are busy working or abroad

• The responsible one who sacrifices personal wants for family needs (Ikaw na ang bahala sa mga kapatid mo at sa amin pagtanda namin.)

It’s not just about helping out—it’s about embodying the family’s hopes, reputation, and stability. You carry not just your own dreams, but sometimes the dreams of your parents and grandparents, too.

The Eldest Daughter “Ate” Experience

For many ates, the role often comes with emotional and caregiving responsibilities.
From a young age, you might have:

• Helped raise younger siblings (Ikaw ang panganay kaya alagaan mo ang mga kapatid mo.)

• Cooked, cleaned, and learned household management (Para matuto ka sa magiging pamilya mo.)

• Offered emotional support to family members—sometimes even your parents

• Put your own feelings aside to “keep the peace” (Ikaw ang nakakatanda kaya pagpasensyahan mo na lang.)

Because ates are often seen as the ilaw ng tahanan (light of the home), there can be pressure to be nurturing, understanding, and endlessly patient. And when you do set limits, it may be seen as walang utang na loob (ungrateful), matigas ang ulo (stubborn), or walang respeto (disrespectful).

The Eldest Son “Kuya” Experience

While kuyas also carry the role of protector and provider, the expectations can look different.
You might be expected to:

• Protect your sisters and the family’s honour (Alagaan mo ang mga kapatid mo, bantayan mo sila.)

• Take on physical labour or help with financial support early

• “Be strong” and not show vulnerability (Huwag ka umiyak, lalaki ka.)

• Achieve career success to lift the family’s social or financial standing

The pressure on kuyas is often tied to strength, capability, and financial stability. While ates may be expected to be emotionally available, kuyas might be pressured to be emotionally restrained.

The Hidden Cost

Whether ate or kuya, the panganay role can come with:

• Guilt — Feeling selfish when you choose yourself

• Burnout — Carrying responsibilities far beyond your age or capacity

• Perfectionism — Believing you must always get it right because others are watching

• Emotional suppression — Not knowing how to ask for help or show vulnerability

And for Filipino-Canadians, there’s the added cultural tension:

• Filipino side: “Family first, always. Sacrifice and obedience are forms of love.”

• Canadian side: “Boundaries are important. Take care of yourself.”

We live between collectivism and individualism—and that push-pull can leave us feeling like we’re never fully meeting anyone’s expectations, not even our own.

In Therapy: Understanding the Panganay Story

When I work with Filipino-Canadian clients, whether individually or as couples, we often explore:

• How their panganay upbringing shapes their relationships and self-worth

• The unspoken rules they still live by (kahit hindi na sila bata)

• The grief for the childhood they didn’t fully get to have

• The possibility of setting compassionate boundaries while still honouring family values

Therapy becomes a space where you don’t have to justify why saying “no” to family feels like betrayal or why rest feels uncomfortable. You’re not “too sensitive” or “overreacting”. You’re unpacking decades of cultural conditioning.

You Are More Than Your Role

To all the ates and kuyas out there:
You can still be respectful and loving without carrying everything.
You can still honour your pamilya while protecting your own energy.
You can still be Filipino while learning to say “hindi muna” when you need rest.

Being panganay will always be part of you. But it doesn’t have to define the whole of you.

If you’re ready to explore how this role has shaped your relationships, your sense of self, and your mental health, I offer individual and couples therapy across Ontario with cultural understanding at the heart of our work.

You don’t have to untangle this alone.