Blog #35
When “Being Nice” Hurts: Understanding People-Pleasing as a Trauma Response
Do you say yes even when you’re running on empty? Apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong? Feel responsible for making sure everyone else is okay, even if it costs you your own peace?
If so, you’re not alone. Many people think of people-pleasing as simply being kind or helpful. But for many, it’s more than that. It’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy shaped by early life experiences, especially those involving attachment wounds or complex trauma.
As a trauma therapist, I see this all the time. Clients who come in feeling anxious, burnt out, and unsure of who they are beneath all the performing, pleasing, and peacekeeping. On the outside, they’re the ones everyone can count on. Inside, they’re often carrying fear, shame, and exhaustion.
Let’s unpack what people-pleasing really is and how therapy can help you start reclaiming your voice, boundaries, and sense of self.
Why People-Pleasing Might Be a Trauma Response
People-pleasing isn’t about being too nice. It’s about survival.
When children grow up in homes where love feels conditional (when caregivers are critical, unpredictable, emotionally distant, or unsafe), kids learn quickly that being "good" might protect them from rejection or harm. They become experts at reading the room, smoothing things over, and suppressing their own needs to stay connected.
This pattern is often rooted in anxious attachment or complex trauma. And while it may have helped you stay safe or connected in the past, it can become a painful way of living in adulthood.
Signs You Might Be Caught in People-Pleasing
People-pleasing can be sneaky. It might look like:
Saying “yes” when you’re tired, overwhelmed, or resentful
Avoiding conflict to keep the peace, even when it costs you
Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
Feeling guilty when you set a boundary or put yourself first
Struggling with self-doubt or wondering who you are outside of what others need from you
Over time, this way of coping can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, and a deep disconnection from your authentic self.
How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Unlearn People-Pleasing
Therapy is a space where you don’t have to earn your right to exist or be “good” to be heard. Together, we can explore what’s underneath your people-pleasing with compassion, not judgment.
In trauma counselling, we’ll work to:
Understand the roots of your patterns through attachment and trauma-informed lenses
Reconnect you with your needs, feelings, and boundaries
Practice saying no and setting limits in ways that feel safe and empowering
Support your nervous system to shift out of fawn (people-pleasing) responses
Help you develop secure, reciprocal relationships, without self-abandonment
You Deserve to Take Up Space
You don’t have to keep shrinking yourself to feel safe. You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to take a breath before saying yes. You’re allowed to choose peace for yourself, not just for everyone else.
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or selfish. It’s about becoming whole.
If this resonates, and you're ready to start untangling these patterns, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you on your healing journey.
